My irreverent take on the top ranks of those who claim to be leading this country
Most of this has already been said by people far more intelligent and witty than I am but,nonetheless, I need to get it off my chest.
Entirely random, right off the top of my head...
- Nancy Pelosi - Good grief, woman, let it go...! Yeah, you've carved yourself out a cushy spot and god knows how many fund-raising emails claiming a triple match go out every day under your name, but, geez, you're 77 already and I would think you'd want to be home feeding your cats. You're not doing your party or your country any good by refusing to step aside. I'll give you one thing, your hair colorist knows his business.
- Tony Scaramucci - I read that Italian Americans are upset that he's bringing back a lot of Italian stereotypes. That may be, but the overwhelming stereotype that I see is the brash New Yorker who has teethed on the art of totally obnoxious bluster but would completely fall apart if he was handed a typical family's grocery shopping list. Take away the big mouth, the expensive suit, and the carefully coiffed hair, and there's nothing left.
- Chuck Schumer - Visually, a Scaramucci that's been to charm school. He tries to project wisdom and leadership but he's really an empty suit blindly following a party play book that was written in the fifties. As the senior face of the party, he's strictly meh.
- Hillary Clinton - Go away, Hillary, just go away! You're done. Forget your book. Take up raising orchids and see if you can figure out where Bill is and who he's boinking today.
- Reince Priebus - Welcome to Trump's dumpster! Waste Management picks up on Tuesdays.
- Steve Bannon - Double, double, toil and trouble. Fire burn and cauldron bubble. Appetizer suggestion: poached eye of newt (Gingrich, that is).
- Tom Perez - Ichabod Crane with a mustache. Are you kidding me? That's the best they could do?
- Mitch McConnell - Can you picture Mitch and Elaine Chao engaging in pillow talk? I suppose that's about the extent of things when you're born in 1942 and your wife was born in 1968. It'll probably be worse now that the repeal went down in flames. Refill your Cialis Rx , Mitch.
- Dean Heller - My Senator who evidently couldn't find his way out of the forest with a compass and a GPS. Dina and Jacky are comin' to getcha, Dean...!
- John McCain - All you need to know is that he was known as "McNasty" in high school. I sincerely hope his treatment is successful so that, given the gift of a near-death experience, he decides to try living as a human being for his brief remaining years.
- Barack Obama - A genuinely nice man who, for the most part, was a genuinely shitty President. Note to the Democratic Party: Stop with the emails asking me to endorse Obama's "legacy." I can't bring myself to endorse drone strikes, collateral damage, endless war, total domestic surveillance, and giving Wall Street criminals free passes to keep on sucking blood out of the peasants, and that's the short list.
- Bob Mueller - My jury is out on Bob but, whichever way things fall, I can't wait to see it.
- Donald Trump - What can I say that hasn't already been said? He's truly the "Ugly American" raised to the 10th power.
- Mike Pence - The mild-mannered exterior is so deceiving. If you could peek inside his head, what you would see is what you could only describe as a Hieronymus Bosch painting. His boss is horrible and stupid. Mike is horrible and has at least two brain cells to rub together. Be very afraid!
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