And, yes, I DO take it personally: Gonzo's testimony as parable: the fox in the hen house investigation

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FOX PROMISES TO INVESTIGATE HEN DISAPPEARANCES

Prepared Statement of The Fox:

Distinguished members of the Farm Oversight Board, I can reassure the farm community that I want to get to bottom of the missing hens scandal just as much as you do. Each of these hens were very valued and tasty . . . uh, I mean . . . dedicated members of the hen department and we thank them for their loyal service in comprising my diet. . . that is, in working for the best interests of us all.

I hadn't myself noticed when any of these hens disappeared, but we discovered them missing when you asked for a head account. And I have already directed the wolf department to conduct a full investigation. I have every confidence their final report will be just as professional and thorough as the one they did about the lost sheep incidents.

We have done everything we can to cooperate with this hearing process, including providing thousands of HEAVILY redacted documents, which you had no right to ever see in the first place of course, so you certainly don't need to see all the many others we are withholding or told you we can't find. And I have spent many hours preparing for this hearing carefully reviewing all these documents to refresh my memory so I can truthfully tell you I don't remember any of the important events.

And having said that, I would be happy to respond to your questions, even if I don't substantively answer them at all.

Senator Horse: Mr. Fox aren't those hen feathers around your snout?

Mr. Fox (quickly brushing them away): You must understand that I work very closely with the hens every day, so there is nothing improper if a couple of bloody hen feathers happen to get caught in my whiskers from time to time. In my view there is no appearance of impropriety, despite the improper appearance.

Senator Horse: When exactly did the hens start to turn up missing?

Mr. Fox: What missing hens?

Senator Horse: Uh . . . the hens whose disappearance we're here to investigate?

Mr. Fox: Oh, THOSE missing hens. When did that start? Let me be clear, again, I don't recall that.

Senator Goat: Isn't it your JOB to watch over the hen house, to KNOW if any of the hens are missing?

Mr. Fox: I had limited involvement in doing the watching. I delegated that responsibility to some of the unhatched eggs, but going back over the farm reports I now understand that the first hen disappeared 10 days ago.

Senator Goat: Isn't that the day after you took over the hen house?

Mr. Fox: Now look, I didn't come here to have you impugn the integrity of the hardworking hens in our department.

Senator Goat: Don't accuse this committee of attacking the hens. Isn't that the same thing as blaming the sleep for getting lost on their own? That's what the wolf department concluded in their recent commission report, but we need to reinvestigate that one too. Do you honestly expect this committee to believe you don't remember when you started work, which was just 11 days ago?

Mr. Fox: We redacted that information from the documents we produced. How can you know that? Has one of the remaining hens been testifying without me telling them what to lie about? Otherwise I can't be expected to remember recalling having a recollection about anything like that.

Senator Bull: Well it seems to me VERY suspicious that we had no missing hen problem before, and then the day after you come on, hens start disappearing. Can you explain why in your press conference yesterday, you stated that there WERE no missing hens, when there were already farm journal headline articles about them?

Mr. Fox: I have already acknowledged that my previous statements were not accurate, imprecise, that I misspoke, there were misstatements and I regret saying those words, but I still maintain that they were all true.

Senator Bull: What?! Are you seriously telling us you have NO knowledge of any of the facts about any of these hens and when they disappeared, and on THAT basis you are asking us to allow you to stay on as the keeper of the hen house?

Mr. Fox: Even though I won't admit I know how any of this happened I have concluded that there was no intentional misconduct. I have learned many important lessons from all this which I promise I will quickly forget as well. The keeper of the hen house is a very important job, and I'M still determined to continue to do it.

Senator Bull: Well, either you are doing a very bad job of watching over the hens, or you're not doing the job at all. Either way, we've concluded it's time for you to go.

Mr. Fox (grins slightly, and thinks to himself): [So, who's gonna make me?]